


Honesty

by Pearl_Jewel



Series: Days of Good, Days of Compassion, Days of Islam [1]
Category: The Grisha Trilogy - Leigh Bardugo
Genre: Aleksander secretly likes telling his life story, Alternate universe - Darkling is Captured, Based on an Islamic ethical value/moral, Canon Divergence - The Darklings of Eryk Morozova, Gen, i don't know how to write summaries, when i tag relationships i mean major interactions between characters
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-06-11
Updated: 2017-06-11
Packaged: 2018-11-07 07:50:04
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,661
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11054547
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Pearl_Jewel/pseuds/Pearl_Jewel
Summary: They say where there is light there will always be shadow, so why does Aleksander feel like he's drowning in darkness?Everyone knows the story of the Black Heretic and the darklings after him, but they don't know the real story. They don't know of his loss, his lifelessness when he isstanding very upright.So how does shadow exist when a light was never there? And how do you save a boy that seems to be lost?





	Honesty

She felt it. Felt the dark tingle when he must have scaled the wall. She felt the bite of the wind when he must have ripped the bars out. She didn’t know how he had done it; the bars were meant to be made of Grisha steel. Unbreakable. But she somehow felt the glimmer of light fall into darkness with the bars when he bounded out of the cell. The nightmares frightened her enough. She didn’t need that fear of being attacked in added to the list. The constant replaying of the same minute over and over again. That vile knife is puckering his flesh under the dark swath of clouds that everyone else has all but forgotten. She glances to the very knife at her bedside table.  
She could see the window, moving further and further away.  


Even after that, she struggles to contain her surprise as a poor servant girl stumbles against her unlocked door. She was supposed to lock it, of course, one can never be too safe when the darkling’s involved. But the fear of being trapped in has consumed her. “Alina, Miss Alina!” The servant girl makes a light curtsey in her direction before taking a few steps into the room. Even then, her hesitation is evident. Perhaps she could get the too-clever Fox to do something about it. “Has something happened with the Darkling?” but there isn’t really much point in asking, she already knows. Her eyes trail to the shadows on the floor. What surprise has he made with his own shadows this time? “He’s escaped. King Nikolai was asking for you in the cell.” Of course, he was. He knew she had the strongest connection with the Darkling. Unfortunately. 

Alina Starkov pulls herself off her bed. When satisfied the knife sheath around her waist is secure, she slips in the vile knife from her bedside table. With a lagging pace, she follows the servant girl through the hallways of their own palace, the smaller one of the two palaces Ravka had. She doesn’t want anything to do with the Darkling. Would it have been so hard from him to stay in that cell?

Alina walks into the dungeon with a hand on the knife’s handle, doing her best to ignore the blood crusted on the prison wall. It becomes a struggle on its own to forget the events of the fold. But it rushes in all the same. She could already feel herself driving the knife deep into his lung once more. His wretched scream rings in her ears, and the look on his face. That look alone almost makes her cry out. That face of pain, thinking he was going to die.

 _“Say my name.”_  
“Aleksander,” she murmurs as someone taps her shoulder. Managing to turn just in time to see Nikolai cock his head. She shakes her head to his question. “Have you found some long lost relative without me, Alina? Who’s Aleksander?” He should know orphans are sensitive to that topic. She tries to distract herself by looking into the cell. There is a pool of crimson, seeping into the outer bars.  
_“Mourn me.”_  
How could she mourn a monster? She walks into the prison. She swears she feels his darkness caught in the cell. And he’d only been there for two days. Kneeling down, she picks up the window bars he must have broken off. It’s slick with blood. His blood. He was bleeding again. She’s never actually killed someone with her own hands. This was her closest attempt. Other than Mal of course. She shudders. “The guards say he was in the cell 3 hours ago. They fell asleep on the job. He must’ve escaped then.”  
_“Don’t let me be alone.”_ Did she really expect to keep him in that sorry excuse of a cell? There was a huge crack raining in from the left corner. If he hadn’t ripped the bars off, he could’ve just blasted that wall down. “Some townsfolk are claiming they saw a boy in a grey cloak.” she shakes her head at Nikolai, giving up,  
“Was he confirmed as the Darkling?”  
“He… well, they weren’t sure.”  
“Then we can’t assume that boy was the Darkling. It’s not fair.”  
“But, Alina… they say he had black eyes. Full black. Like beads I guess.” Nikolai scratches the back of his neck as Alina sucks in a breath, attempting to hide her gasp. She had thought he would keep falling before. She hadn’t really believed herself. Until now.  
_“We are alike, as no one else is, as no one else ever will be.”_  
But would she fall like he did? She used to tell herself no. But with her amplifiers, she still couldn’t keep her greed at bay. “Keep looking for him, Nikolai.” Never bothering to hear his reply, she turns and walks out of the prison, setting herself at a steady pace.  


Her pace becomes a ragged monster, and the air runs from her as she stumbles through the hallways of their little palace. She glances back, attempting to put as much distance from that prison and herself. Each step becomes and effort, weighed down by her distress. She curves around a corner, finally arriving at her room. His room. It’s his room. She tries to cast the thought aside as she approached the door. She hadn’t killed him yet. She was okay. It wasn’t his anymore. Would he ever stop haunting her?

Fumbling with the door knob, Alina launches herself into the room. But, of all things that could happen, she does not expect to crash into someone. But she just, bang! Hit them square in the chest… With her head. Backing up, she opens her mouth to apologise, not that they should be in her room anyway until she sees who it is. Without a word, he steps out of the room and walks along the same hallways she ran down, taking a few different turns and guiding her to the throne room as she follows. It was his throne once. he gives an unwary glance at the Grisha milling about.

“You! How… how did you get here?” the shock in her hushed voice is so evident it causes him to flinch. Usually, the Darkling doesn’t flinch. But one look tells this isn’t a usual moment. His black hair is flying in nearly every direction; there are deep bags under his eyes. The grey robe adorning him is wet at the edges, his skin is paler than before, and his shoulders hunch over slightly. It can’t be a vision; he doesn’t have wounds in visions. With bloodshot eyes, He gives her a weak smile, “Like always.”  
“You have eye bags.”  
“Doesn't everyone?” she glances at him again, trying to find a way to prove this wasn’t a vision. She finds nothing new. "Why are you here?"  
Darkling arches his back before slumping onto the stool beside the throne, “Would you like to hear a story today, Alina?” Alina gives him a small shrug. She finds it strange he led her here to speak to her. The only explanation she could find was that he, perhaps, felt better here. More powerful. “Fortunately, you haven't denied me.” he pauses, expecting an answer. When he gets none, he keeps going, trying to contain his sorrow to her silence. The Darkling doesn't show feelings... But Aleksander should. He's not free. “I should know what it is like to have siblings. Brothers. Had we been a normal family, I would have known a crowded house. Perhaps you would have too?”  
“I don't...”  
"Neither do I. One thing I've learned is life is never simple. my brothers were born years ago. They died years ago."  
"This isn't a story."  
he frowns, "But the black heretic's life is."  
"You're the black heretic."  
“No. Eryk was. You know what happened to him, Alina?” Alina shook her head. “Mother cherished him. She taught him everything she knew. Sometimes, it seems all her love went into raising him. The first child. So when he discovered merzost, there was no one stopping him. He tried his hand in Morozova's amplifiers. He created the fold. He blew up."  
“So then, what does he have to do with this?”  
“You see Alina... When Eryk blew up, his energy released and preserved him. When Mother had another child, Eryk took over his body. Controlled him. He died. The next child came. He repeated. And then the next. He spared no one. There was no stopping Eryk Morozova. Each dark summoner only fueled his power. Eternity loved him too. Then I came."  
“Did he leave you alone?”  
“No. I find it hard to believe Eryk thought you an apt pupil. But one does not need to understand to be cruel. He wouldn’t hear a Morozova have a happily ever after. He took me.”  
"I somehow possess the ability fight back. I exist alongside him. Experiencing everything he does. I had habit to run from the second army, and he brought me back. I had a habit of changing his speech, and he had to fix it. It was my own sort of domination. And he still has no way to remove me. Life is never simple, Alina.”  


Alina stared at this boy. This boy who she had thought to be a monster. Who had invertedly caused his mother’s death? Who had killed off an entire village without any hesitation? Who had tricked her and deceived her and imprisoned her. You couldn’t blame Alina for doubting him. “Why should I believe you?” He pulls his sleeve down, his eyes falling to the floor, “I… don’t know.” and suddenly he doubles over his head jerking, choking on seemingly nothing. With that he disappears, no mark left on the bed as if he was never there.

* * *

The vomiting starts the next day. Alina wakes up in her bed, feeling this unsettlement in her stomach as if something was gnawing at it. Then her head suddenly lurches over the bedside and everything rushes out. It takes her a few seconds before she straightens back up, flopping onto the bed. She groans, flopping back onto the bed, only to find a crinkled pillow waiting for her. Shooting up, Alina turns, finding her pillow cloaked in a dark red substance. Blood. 

Groaning again, she lags into the bathroom in an attempt to clear the blood of her nose. She just hopes no one turns up in her room now. She’s in no mood to answer questions. But she knows it was inevitable. Like the darkling escaping. Like the fold. She limps out of the bathroom, slapping her head in frustration. She needs something to do. She looks down to her vomit. She needs to clear that up too. Life is too hard. She fetches some tissues and soap from the bathroom. She kneels down, preparing to scrub off the next half an hour or so. Life loves her so much.

As expected, the cleaning takes 30 minutes. It would have been easier to get someone to do it. But servants need their break too. Mainly they would have questions. She dusts her hands off and leaves the room in her blue _kefta_ , shoving the darkling’s ridiculing voice out of her head. _Don’t be so weak Alina._  
“Leave me alone.” it’s a faint whisper. He wouldn’t have heard her if he was a meter away from her. But, if being weak kept her separated from him, she’d take her chances.

Chasing the best distraction in mind, Alina rushes to the pavilion outside. It’s surprising how much her heart flutters at the thought of using her powers. And just a while ago she didn’t know they existed. How far away that seems. Alina looks up to the pavilion, her face dropping. The structure has a cloak of darkness, sagging before her, under the drift of clouds. He’s left his mark everywhere. The Darkling has left his mark. Because he is the Darkling and no Eryk Morozova was controlling him. The thought makes her want to retch again. Killing thousands only to be claiming someone made you do it? Sickening. She couldn’t shake the feeling he was sincere. His features definitely supported weakness. But Merzost did that to him.  
Then it came to the matter of her sickness. Right after the darkling’s visit. Had he done something? Knowing him, he could have. But that face of his, of course, it had to be his expressions again, makes her think twice. At that moment, she knows that this is it. She can’t take it anymore. Leaning against a pillar, Alina reaches through into the fold of her power, seeking the tether and grasping it. She clutches the pillar as she flings herself through the tether. 

And suddenly she’s in a clearing surrounded by beautiful flourishing trees which gleam in the sun like silk. She looks ahead to find a strong running stream, its powerful sound echoing throughout the clearing. The ruling roar, the lion’s roar. The grass bends graciously in the light breeze blowing through, going in the opposite direction of the river flow. A challenger. The trunks of the trees are more gentle than she would expect from glowing beasts of trees. They have a honey brown colour, somehow softening the green of the leaves. It’s a beautiful place. A peaceful garden. And in the middle of it all, he kneels. 

He’s along the riverbed, dragging out his grey robe on the grass. For a second, he pauses, leaning over the river before falling into a coughing fit. Spluttering, he infects the river with a red colour. Blood. It causes her to take her first step forward. He flings himself around. “Oh. It’s you.” he sighs. Straightening his short sleeve of his rough-spun shirt, he steps away from the grey robe, revealing cotton grey trousers complementing the chocolate coloured shirt. He looks so much like a peasant it’s laughable. Alina takes another step forward.  
“Do you know Honesty?”  
“What?” her mouth hangs open, “what does honesty have to do with any of this?”  
“Well Alina, you don’t believe me. Don't deny that it has nothing to do with the lies.”  
“Well… I guess not.”  
“Dishonesty is a disease. It poisons a person’s speech.”  
“You sound like a poet.”  
“Funny, I always wanted to study literature. It was an entertainment, how much it annoyed Eryk.”  
“Eryk doesn’t exist.”  
“He does. You just don’t believe me because he spewed lies and deception from my mouth.”  
“And how do I know you’re not lying now?”  
“there. My speech seems poisoned. No one can tell when I'm being deceitful and when it is the truth. Nothing I say may make a good change. And I will leave no good mark on the Earth.”  
A rueful smile plays at his lips as he looks up at her. He turns away from her and steps into the stream, the water reaching his knee. He runs his hand into the stream, taking the water to wipe his hair. “I think, Alina if Eryk had decided to leave me, I would have been a tidemaker.”  
“Why?” she stares as he pushes himself up to float in the stream. The current doesn’t carry him away. Surprisingly. “I never understood my ease with water. A dark summoner, floating on water like this.” he gestures down, closing his eyes. A peaceful expression adorns his features as he just floats. It doesn’t last, however, as his legs fall into the water and he doubles over, spluttering into the river, plaguing it with a brown colour. But that’s not all. Vines of darkness snake down his arms, leaving light trails of steam as they make their way down to his wrists, creating a ring around it. He looks up at her, wincing. The vines on his arms start rising into lumps, and the blow opens into the air, causing a miniature explosion that forms clouds of darkness around him. 

Unable to see him, Alina calls out, “Darkling?”

As the clouds, rise into the air, Alina sees a mob of black submerged into the surface. She reaches out to touch it, wanting to feel this strange dark energy. Except, at her touch, the dark mass springs out, to instead reveal the darkling. The drops of water dribble off his shirt, leaving no mark. Only his hair is wet.  
“Oh. Darkling,” she says.  
“Don’t call me that.”  
“Call you what?”  
“The Darkling.”  
She scoffs, “if I can’t call you what everyone has named you, what should I call you _sir_?”  
“Aleksander.”  
“Aleksander?” her eyes falls to the floor.  
“The name I was given by my mother, not the title he chose for me.”  
“I know.”  
“Then why won’t you say it?” his eyes are glossy as he dunks his head into the stream. He tosses it back out, water spraying everywhere. Then, he frowns, "Look at me. A boy drowning in a darkness. Thinking he can enjoy some light. I must be the biggest fool on Earth."

At that moment, Alina knew he was telling the truth. She doesn’t understand how exactly. Perhaps his distaste of ‘The Darkling’. Perhaps his love for water. Perhaps the way he let sorrow cling onto him.  
“Why were you vomiting?”  
“Eryk and I are… unsettled. So my body has become unsettled too, I guess.”  
So if he was unsettled, she starts to wonder why she was vomiting. She tries to keep her mouth shut about it, “I'll leave you then. Take your rest, Aleksander.”  
He calls out, his eyes then fall to the floor, “I guess I'll have to stay alone with _him_... life seems to hate me too much.”  
She looks at the way he hangs his head. Definitely innocent-looking. She speaks out, “Tell me, first. I’m not sure I fully understand this honesty business.” he looks up at her, a small frown spreading on his face, “I hate you.”  
“No, no you don't.” There is a cold spark in his eyes.  
“Oh yes I do.”  
“You're lying.”   
"You don't know that." And suddenly his eyes roll back, becoming glistening black orbs and he falls into the water. She considers pulling him out before the waves start lapsing over his body and push him to the bank. He splutters as he regains consciousness. At least she gets this honesty think now. Alina glances up to the clear sky. No clouds hide any of it today. It seems almost mocking. She has secrets. He’s exposed his already. Perhaps it’s what causes her to blurt it out, “I've been vomiting.”  
He stares up at her, wiping his eyes.  
“I’ve been vomiting.”  
“How?” He coughs  
She rolls her eyes, “like normal people vomit.”  
“This attitude of yours has always confused me.”   
"That's not the point." "Have you considered it can be normal to vomit Alina?"  
"No."  
"Your friends must care about you enough to take you to a healer."  
Alina diverts her gaze off him. He looks at her as the realisation dawns on him.   
“Alina, I pour you the value of honesty and you've been keeping secrets yourself.” Aleksander tilts his head, “Go tell someone.”  
“What about…”  
“I’ll be fine. Don’t underestimate my capabilities.” nodding her head, Alina turns away. She turns away from the boy who's drowning in darkness. She huffs, crawling into the crevices of the tether. And suddenly she’s hurtling back, standing up against the pavilion pillar. 

Alina slides down the pillar, closing her eyes. Tell someone. She had to go tell someone. But there was the small problem of not wanting to move a muscle of course. And who would she tell? Nikolai is too busy. Zoya would laugh at her. Mal would most likely shut her in her room. That’s the last thing she needed. David would send just her to a healer. Alina rubs her eyes. This ignorance makes her feel neglected. Was there nobody to worry or care for her?  
It didn’t seem so. She’s most likely been missing for an hour or so, and no one has come to find her. It was funny how similar she and Aleksander were. Both left alone. She gets up intending to go to her room. But deep down she hoped someone who finds her. Not that she’d admit it to herself.

She races streams through the hallways once again, not slowing until she reaches the bedroom. She throws herself onto her bed and curls into a ball. The loneliness seems to claw at everything in her body and her heart squelches for someone. She doesn’t want to rot like this alone. The tears stream down on her face, feeling like the gushing river in the meadow. They leave hot trails searing into her. Staying there, in this state, she lets the world fade around her into nothingness. 

* * *

A vigorous movement wakes her up. A small press on her shoulder. “Leave me alone.” she rolls over on the bed, smashing into the stained side of the pillow. Its hardness causes her to shoot up. Great, she forgot to clean the pillow.  
“Care to tell me why your pillow is bathed in blood, Alina?” the voice has a passionate fill of anger in it but much more feminine and tender. There’s only one person that voice could belong to, “Genya.” Alina turns over, Genya’s red curls coming into view.  
“That happens to be my name. Now speak.”  
“I am speaking.”  
“Very funny. What have you done to cause your pillow such suffering?”  
“I… uh. Had a nosebleed?” well she did have an omniscient nosebleed. It isn’t a lie. _Dishonesty breaks relationships._ Aleksander’s voice is so clear; it feels like he’s standing right there. The strength of it causes her to blink.  
“So, let me get this straight. You had a nosebleed at the size that it covered half of your pillow and then just disappeared, not bothering to tell anyone.”  
“Yes?” _and that’s not all is it, Alina?_ His voice blasts her full in the face again. She cocks her head to the side.  
“Oh no, we are not done with this. Don’t play innocence on me,” _tell her all of it, Alina._ Easy for you to say Mr Aleksander. “I told you. I had a big nosebleed.”  
_And you had a vomiting session too._ “Shut up.” she murmurs  
“Shut up? Excuse me, Alina, I'm just looking out for your wellbeing!” Alina hears a sound resembling a slap. She looks up, directly at Genya. Along with a red eyepatch, she is adorned in her red kefta with the blue embroidery at the cuffs. However, beside her, there is a figure covered in brown and grey. So those voices weren’t in her head.

“So what do you have to say for yourself?” Genya plucks at her eyepatch as Aleksander steps to the side. He speaks, knowing Genya can’t hear him,  
“Well, let’s see. It’s simple really, don't you agree. You vomited, and you managed to have a nose bleed. Somehow. Then you ran away and decided to keep it all a secret. Wasn’t it simple Alina? That’s all you have to say.”  
She stares up at him, “I can’t just say that!”  
Then Genya stares at her like she’s mad, “Yes, Alina, you can’t tell your best friend to shut up. Although, I do wonder who that was directed to... Is there a ghost beside me, that I should know about?”  
Alina slams her hand over her mouth as Aleksander speaks to her again, “well this is a predicament we have on our hands. Just tell her. Lying will get you to worse places.”  
Alina shakes her head as Genya demands for her attention again, “I'm going to put you under house arrest. I demand an explanation!”  
At that moment, everything overwhelms Alina, and she burst, “Everyone be quiet!” Her shout resonates through the room. 

Aleksander turns his head away, his words barely decipherable, “I'll leave then. Someone’s to blame for all this.” he turns away, but Alina throws an arm in his direction, “no. wait. Let me be honest.” After all, it was her fault for not getting this over with in the first place. Genya opens her mouth, but Alina silences her with a finger. “The Darkling…” Aleksander shakes his head before she continues, “Aleksander Morozova is standing next to you, Genya.”  
Genya cocks her head, “there’s no one…”  
“The Darkling is standing right there.” Genya takes a step away,  
“You know where he is?”  
“Well… I know what it looks like.”  
“But, he’s not standing… is this your link?”  
“Yes.”  
“So, why did you have a nose bleed?”  
“I vomited too this morning. I don’t know why.”  
Aleksander takes a step forward, “I believe I know why.” Alina turns her head to him as there is a knock on the door. He speaks, “let them in. Then tell them what I say. They need to know too. They need to trust you.” she nods, informing Genya to let them in. It becomes a storm when they enter, taking a look at her, at the room and Genya. She sees Aleksander shift uncomfortably as if people’s gaze was resting on him too. Biting back a laugh over Aleksander's action, Alina swings herself off the bed, standing up.

Aleksander looks at her, “tell them what I say. I believe I know why you were vomiting. Tell them my story.”  
Alina nods, clearing her throat to attract attention. The room falls silent as she speaks, “Aleksander Morozova is in this room.”  
Mal takes a step forward, “who’s Aleksander?”  
Alina huffs a breath in an attempt to lower her nervousness. Dishonesty got her in terrible places. Into bone-rotting loneliness. She had to do this, “the Darkling is in this room.” she turns to Genya again, “he’s standing right next to Genya. I know you can’t see him, but I promise you he’s there…”  
Aleksander seats himself on the bed, “Keep speaking. Silence is not heroic.”  
She continues, “he’s brought himself here through the tether that was made between us. He can project himself to me as I can to do so to him.”  
“Stop being stuck up, Alina. Tell them you’ve seen where I am, and that you’re going to bring me to justice for my crimes. Be a leader. Stop being afraid.”  
“What? No!”  
“Alina. I have crimes. I need to pay.”  
“But it wasn’t…”  
“Nobody will believe that.”  
“So you’re just going toss away your life?”  
“I don’t want to be alone. I can’t live like this anymore. Alone, with him. I'm just glad my story was told to _someone_ before I died.”  
“So I'll defend you. You’re innocent. I can’t just send you off.”  
“You know why you were sick?” he doesn’t wait for a reply, “I think the light went into you instead of your birth with it. Like my darkness. So the monitors couldn’t find your power. It was too deep. So now, like mine, it is unsettled. You drowned in light like I drowned in darkness. You are surrounded by hope. I am surrounded by poison.”  
"Why are you saying that?”  
“You wanted to know.”  
“I never asked.”  
“Fine. you know now.” 

Alina is disrupted by a tap on her shoulder,“I doubt the darkling in innocent.”  
Alina turns away from Mal as Aleksander speaks, “Bring me to justice, Alina. Find me. Bring me a home… even if it’s death.” with that the boy who has a smile of light even when light didn't exist within him, this boy who was lost yet could find some joy to cover up his sorrow, turns away, disappearing, no mark left on the bed as if he was never there.

Defiantly, Alina turns away, “We are going to find the Darkling. We are going to bring him to justice.” Mal nods in approval, at least she thinks its approval,  
“At dawn, _Moi soverennyi_?”  
“Yes. we leave in the Kingfisher.” .

_And I will show you the truth. I will prove to you he’s innocent._

**Author's Note:**

> This is my first fanfiction so advice and support would be appreciated!


End file.
